I have so many intense feelings after listening to Howard Dully's account of what happened to him. At 12 years old, he received a transorbital lobotomy, because his step-mother convinced an eager doctor, that the boy was unmanageable. Truth was, he had just lost his mom, and the adults had told him she had just "gone away." At the time she was replaced by this stepmother who was, at best, unkind to Howard. Of course the cause of the problems was "Howard was a difficult child." That was the story the stepmother and Freeman told themselves. It seems Howard's Dad was too disengaged to question his new wife's motives and/or judgment. The child, in this case, was labelled and treated, yet was NOT the source of the problem.
Do you think that this happens today? If so, give an example. If children are serving as sacrificial lambs so to speak, what can we do as practitioners to limit the risk to kids?
Answer these questions, and then respond to at least 2 of your classmates.
I think young people go through various forms of treatment every day to change or control a perceived undesirable behavior, that is more often than not like in Dully’s situation, treatment intended to appease an adult’ desires more so then the child’s. An obvious example seems to be with the use of medication. If a child is having difficulty learning or struggling with focus, ADHD medication is often prescribed as the first form of treatment. Another example might be that a 14-year-old boy is going through a breakup with his girlfriend so he turns to alcohol and marijuana to cope. His parents view this behavior as “out of control” and arrange for him to be removed from the home to attend a correctional type educational institution. An example that I have observed as a VR counselor was that of a young man on the autism spectrum attending a day program. The young person was very talented and had a lot of potential and the day program to my knowledge was not an environment conducive to tapping into that potential. One day when I saw him in the basement of a library accompanied by agency staff and several other consumers playing on borrowed computers I thought “when I was working with this person in high school we were discussing how to help him pursue his goal of working as an aviation technician. What happened?” After following up it seemed evident that this client had fallen into the “next phase” of programming being a person with disability who has waiver funding. I realize that the above examples pale in comparison to those who were lobotomized, but I do believe some similarities exist.
ReplyDeleteI think your example does have similarities to use of lobotomy in the sense that in both cases the person lost out on the opportunity to meet their goals and dreams due to a system that did not see them as capable and took away the potential. There are constant pressures to move people with certain diagnoses into that next phase of programming.
DeleteI have heard many people act as if parents who do look at other options as harming the person. I remember sitting in a meeting with a certain person from the state level who talked about how they need to get parents on board with getting young people moved on to that next phase. I felt very uneasy with that whole conversation. It was like there is this across the board plan that all people who may qualify for waiver funding must follow.
I recently had an eye opening experience as a VR counselor. A mom referred her son to me. He was a young adult. She wanted him to apply for disability, get waiver funding, and maybe even look at her becoming his guardian. She did not see him as being capable of working beyond a couple of hours a week. She had good intentions and wanted to protect him from harm-real and perceived. He was not interested in the life she had planned for him and asked me to look for full time employment without supports. We completed a situational assessment, and it was clear he is capable of working full time and after initial support to learn the job, he does not need supports. He has found his full time job where he has been working for many months, and he is so happy with it. He receives benefits, vacation time, and most importantly, he feels great about it. The employers love him, and he has potential for taking on additional tasks that he enjoys. Some people certainly need supports in place for work. Some don't. This case was a huge teaching moment for me.
Hi Geoff.
DeleteThe example of the talented young man with autism is sad. Parents and guardians need to be diligent in accessing the medication, or programming in this case, for their children. The medical community will always use the path of least resistance, most expensive, or most exotic form of treatment to suit their needs.
Geoff, while we are improving somewhat in regards to programs for individuals with disabilities I agree that some just don't fit everyone and can hold them back. One example comes to mind of a student i worked with that had been incorrectly diagnosed at a early age, and subsequently was put in a cycle where he was not challenged and met the criteria of the diagnosis because of the initial diagnosis. It was only until he came the facility i was working at the time did we take the time to evaluate and prove that he was capable of more. Now he is very behind in many skills, but is improving and feels such a sense of pride for it. It's a scary thing to think that children with disabilities can be "stuck" below their own potential because of lack of resources or taking the time to really evaluate what they want and are capable of.
DeleteI definitely see situations today where children are sacrificial lambs. Children can often become the overt "problem" that show major cracks within a family system. The child may become the identified client because of school problems, legal issues, and other negatively perceived behaviors that draw attention. Parents may bring the children to the attention of providers because they view and report the child as unmanageable. It is important for providers to take the time to make a good assessment of the child and the family system. Once people, especially children, become viewed as having mental illness, it becomes easy for everything to be seen as a treatment issue. Sometimes I see children hospitalized for behaviors that are described as very dangerous, but upon closer look, it may become clear the child is more non-compliant than unsafe. Parents who struggle to meet basic needs of their own and their family may have less ability to manage behaviors and may identify the behaviors as extreme when the child's behaviors may actually make a lot of sense in context. Children may be threatened with unneeded treatments as punishment, and parents may be threatened with calls to DHHS if they do not comply with the wishes of the providers. After all, "doctor knows best" is still very much in evidence in the current systems. It is definitely not my intent to be negative about parents/families. Raising children with diagnoses is often challenging and full of judgment against parents from those outside of the family system.
ReplyDeleteAs a foster and adoptive parent, I have had the privilege of loving many children diagnosed with many significant diagnoses ranging from bipolar, schizophrenia, autism spectrum, reactive attachment disorder, intellectual disabilities, PTSD, eating disorders, Traumatic Brain Injury, ADHD, etc. I have found that providing a safe, predictable, calm and nurturing environment sometimes reduces the behaviors that were so concerning to others. Taking the time to learn the child's story and supporting the child in telling and processing the story can make significant difference. I have found that children diagnosed with ADHD, for instance, may have serious trauma. Others may actually have traumatic brain injury or impact from fetal alcohol and drug effects. Knowing and assessing the story makes a big difference.
At the same time, children do have a right to receive treatment. I see extremes. One child may be heavily medicated to the point of being negatively affected while another child is not allowed to have any type of medication despite clear suffering. I believe in assessing each child for that child's needs, using a variety of strategies, collaborating together with the child's parents and providers, and then advocating for treatments that the child does need. It is important to validate a child's rights and promote the child's voice. It is also important to fight for a child's right to be safe from harm whether self-harm, harm from others, and system harm. Sometimes the harm done by systems can be the most significant. I think about children who came into foster care and "bounce" through many, many homes, hospitals, crisis placements, before finally returning home or aging out of the system. These are all-too-common outcomes for children.
It is so important to continue to assess the needs of children and their families. It is important to hang in there with kids and not let them go when they become challenging. It is important as adults to get needed supports for ourselves so we are able to meet the needs of children who may provide high challenges.
Great post, Toni. I knew your post would be a "can't miss" on this subject. I think you absolutely hit the nail on the head identifying the need to take time and perform a good assessment of the child and the family system. Often times, its only when you are looking at the bigger picture that the true problem comes into focus. Too often treatment from practitioners is reactionary.
DeleteYes, I think treatment does tend to be reactionary. I try to remind myself to keep looking at the story. When taken in context, many behaviors make sense. I think about behaviors like stealing from kids who have experienced serious unmet basic needs or seemingly unsafe behavior from kids who have rarely experienced safety. Sometimes meeting basic needs and providing structure in a calm and caring manner takes care of some of those behaviors. Sometimes kids are shocked that anyone worries about their safety-which always makes me sad.
DeleteToni, thank you so much for sharing your input and experience as a foster and adoptive parent. Your comments regarding the ways in which systems can both help and harm children are very insightful. I think you are right that it is important to assess the specific needs of each child and their families and adjust the plans of support as needed. In terms of addressing the negative aspects of system supports, I am not quite sure what the best methods would be for this and I would love to hear from others on how this could be accomplished on a larger scale.
DeleteToni, your comment about the child that was labeled unsafe opposed to non-compliant stuck with me. It makes me wonder how often certain language is intentionally used to justify assigning a diagnosis. There is certainly a big difference between being unsafe or a danger to others or oneself compared to not wanting to get out of bed in the morning which seems to be more of a non-compliance issue a.k.a being a kid. It seems like practitioners and parents are forced to “play the game” and use the appropriate language to secure the diagnosis, funding, and treatment. Don’t get me wrong, this may be a necessary evil so to speak, but it is a shame that these kids end up carrying around these labels and their burdens.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes providers who have been around for a while use "unsafe" language because they want to punish non-compliant behavior with things like hospitalization, which was done in the past. Now there have to be serious safety concerns that cannot be managed without hospitalization in order for hospitalization to occur. Sometimes, I have seen providers who think kids-and parents-who do not agree with them are unsafe somehow for not complying with their wisdom. I wish we could hold off diagnosing kids until there was plenty of time to assess, stabilize and hear their story. Some providers give more benign diagnoses rather than have a child carry a big label potentially permanently. I like that, but I also think there is a danger that the child will not be able to receive needed treatment in today's system because of challenges around getting approved funding.
DeleteThis topic reminds me of a few of my students. I think that some parents don’t know what to do when children act out, and to avoid the embarrassment of this think that it must be a disorder. There is a fear that they are doing something wrong, and to mitigate that fear they look to doctors to validate their child can’t help but act this way. While this behavior feels deplorable I don’t think that a lot of these people realize what they are doing, and that their could be any other problem, because subconsciously they are scared there might be. I think that this can go for parents that don’t want their kid to be diagnosed with a disorder or given medication as well. Unfortunately it makes physicians jobs harder, but when working with children the fact that they can’t really advocate for themselves is something that is known going in. I have seen through case managers and social workers that their are procedures in place to get the whole picture of a child’s life more so now than there was when Dully was a child. There are statements and data taken from every aspect of children's lives through school, doctors, and the child’s home. Making a diagnosis after one session with a child is not getting the whole story, and I know as someone going into child counseling that I want to get the whole picture not just a snippet.
ReplyDeleteHello Michelle,
DeleteMy coworker and I were just talking about this subject. It is so important for people to realize the broad reach on normal behavior. Some children are sensitive and feel every environmental and emotional experience as an assault. These children may always be sensitive but they can learn tools to cope with their feelings and be comfortable with themselves. Parenting is not always fun or easy and sometimes, it is all you can get done in a day.
Michelle, I completely agree that when parents, or teachers, have children that act out, they may turn to doctors for help and believe that their children need signficant intervention. I have had several teachers refer students for support due to acting out and some jump to wanting to "test" the child for disabilities, and while testing can be helpful and is sometimes needed, there are times when subjecting the child to testing is simply not necessary and minor changes in environment can address any issues that might have been affecting the child's learning and behavior.
DeleteListening to Howard Dully's story was heart-wrenching. I do believe that some children today are at the mercy of parents and/or professionals who a not fully tuned into what is happening with the child and making decisions based on just pieces of information. I would like to think that professionals are much more conscious about understanding the dynamics of the home setting, any stressors that a child is experiencing, bullying, etc. but it is probably not always the case. I provide Vocational Rehabilitation services to schools and in one residential treatment setting. There is one young person I can think of in particular who had a lot of behavior issues and struggled at home and in school prior to her admission to this facility. But since being there and away from some of the stressors in her home she has flourished and will soon be discharged to another family member. I was not a part of her team prior to her getting into this facility, but I have to wonder what the discussions were prior to her going there. Was she "the problem?" It is heartbreaking to think about all of the children who, because of parents or caregivers, are not able to flourish in the way that they could.
ReplyDeleteSandy, heartbreaking is a good way to describe how children are typically considered the ones in need of fixing when it is likely that the child is doing their best to exist in a dysfunctional environment. The child is at the ultimate disadvantage and really has no way of defending themselves from parents, other adults, and practitioners. But in your example it sounds like being away from the home was the best treatment. I’m curious, was this facility a place where the child received other types of treatment like meds, counseling or other programming? If so, how much were these factors in the child flourishing?
DeleteChildren sometimes are the outward manifestation of dysfunctional family systems. They become noticed because of behaviors. I am a strong supporter of family systems, but I believe safety of children must come first. Some children cannot safely maintain in their home environments. It's nice to hear about this young person who is thriving in her current environment. Hopefully she will have the opportunity to continue to thrive with the other family member.
DeleteI think this still happens today. Some parents are just not equipped to deal with their children. What I find more disturbing is the doctor who so willingly violated his sacred oath of doing no harm to a vulnerable boy. The transorbital lobotomy is savage and Mangele-esque. Doctors and the medical community yield much power over patients and can sway even the best meaning parents. Doctors are frequently wrong. This time last summer my pregnant wife had an ultrasound on our to-be-born baby. The ultrasound did not pick up a significant portion of the baby’s brain they were looking for. Specialists wanted to conduct genetic testing that might have harmed the baby. A MRI and evaluation from a neurologist concluded with 85-90% certainty the baby’s brain was fine. Fast forward to days after being born, the pediatrician zipped in to the office and began talking about further tests and blood work. Turned out the neurologist’s report did not follow the baby and the pediatrician did not know of the high likelihood of the baby being healthy. One more MRI was recommended. My wife and I tearfully deliberated what we should do. The outcome of the MRI would not change our love for the baby. We were leaning toward not submitting her to further tests. We were assured the MRI practice had special ear protection for the delicate ears. Turns out the MRI technicians fold up a wash cloth and place it on the baby’s ears and keep it in place with headphones. My wife and I were pressured into the MRI, but we insisted on better hearing protection. The MRI convincingly concluded our baby’s brain is fine. The neurologist actually said it was “perfect and beautiful.” Words I will never forget.
ReplyDeleteWhile the actions of parents can be inexcusable, I am more willing to cut them some slack. They have baggage I am not aware of, and like I said, some are just not equipped to be good parents. However, doctors and the medical community have proven time and again they are more than willing to abuse their extensive power. My wife and I feel they would have used our baby as a medical experiment if we were willing to let them do so. What can practitioners do to limit the risks to kids? Start by being humble and acknowledge their limitations. Probing, cutting, and toxic medications might not be the best course of treatment. If the medical community did not have the track record it does of lying and mistreating people, anti-vaccers would not have a leg to stand on.
Ken, I truly agree with your sentiment about cutting parents the slack. The average parent is not a professional in the social services or behavioral healthcare field, so when an issue with their child has reached a point that they are seeking professional services it is because they feel the situation is beyond their control. Parent turn to the professionals because they want to trust the "experts" who should take the time to assess and understand the child before responding with medication as the answer.
DeleteThanks for sharing your experience, Ken. We want so much to make sure that we area doing everything right for our kids and when we turn to the experts, I think we expect that they are going steer us in the right direction. And when you are under stress and feeling pressured to make the right decision, it is hard to know what to do. Experts can rely so much on the science, but is the science always so accurate? what about trusting the parents to have some insight into their child and what might be best?
DeleteKenneth, thank you for sharing this personal story. I appreciate the passion and heart with which you speak, and I think you are absolutely right that parents can feel pressured and end up agreeing to recommendations of practitioners merely because of their faith in the expertise and knowledge they possess. This indeed makes it ever more important that practitioners act with humility and caution and merely provide information that lets the family/client make un-pressured, but informed, decisions.
DeleteI think the case can be made that medications have been used with children in a similar manner. For years I worked in children’s residential services and was appalled at the psychotropic medications being prescribed alongside each other. Medications that were never properly tested for use with children. I’ve seen high dosages of Haldol prescribed to teenagers, 8 years olds prescribed Prozac, and teenagers prescribed so much lithium, Depakote, and Seroquel that they drooled as they were watching television. I started working in these types of jobs when I was 18 and remember seeing commercials on television for Abilify advertising the drug for adults with schizophrenia. It never sat well with me that I was passing this medication to 11 and 12 year olds in conjunction with other medications I have mentioned. Part of me would say to myself that the psychiatrists were the educated professionals and the more cynical side would think they are simply experimenting on children. Once I went to a PESI training on the subject and can remember a doctor from the Mayo Clinic presenting research that showed fish oil to be as effective for children as Prozac was, among other examples. After that I would try to advocate to my supervisors that medications were not the answer. I remember working with this 12 year old who I knew until he was about 15 years old. As a young child he had quite the history of aggression and when I met him at 12 it was his second time in residential treatment, but this time the old house he was at had combined with the house I had been working for. We had a great team at the time and really made it a therapeutic environment. To be concise and completely honest, the staff members from the other house were pretty lazy and unengaging with the children. So for years this child was taken to his monthly medication reviews and the staff would report his negative behaviors and the psychiatrist would increase and add medications to help manage the violent behaviors. By the time this child was 13 he was displaying symptoms of tardive dyskinesia, his body so visibly stiff it was cringeworthy. I debated with the new house manager for months before leaving my employment at that house (not solely over this subject), but about a year later I returned to employment there and this child had improved. They had cut his medications significantly over that time where his medication regime was drastically reduced. He was so heavily medicated he couldn’t think clearly and would just react. So the same medicine that was prescribed to buy staff members more time before he reacted aggressively in conflicts was really the medicine that made his entire body feel terrible and react in such a frustrated way where staff could not reason with him. He used to talk about it himself, that he could think much more clearly which helped staff work with him and eventually led to easier de-escalation during times of crisis.
ReplyDeleteDustin
DeleteI both appreciate and am truly bothered by your post! Your points are excellent- and it is true that many of those who are assigned the duty of working with "disordered" children are not really very good at their jobs, i.e. engaged.
Psychotropic medications have no place in the treatment of young children, in my opinion.
Hi Dustin- I know we've talked about residential treatment before. I have also been appalled by the number and combinations of heavy medications many children and adolescents have been prescribed. I think, over time, more and more medications at higher and higher doses get prescribed in these types of settings to try to manage behaviors. Engaging with young people and working with them to develop some skills around social settings, frustration tolerance, coping skills, etc makes a huge difference. In the program I was in, we often worked to reduce medications once kids were stabilized. We also made sure to discuss the benefits and risks of the medications and to ensure these kids were also giving true informed consent. Sometimes, for a period of time, some medications can meet safety and stability needs. Evaluation which medications to use and for how long can make a significant difference for children and for those around them.
DeleteHi Dustin.
DeleteThanks for sharing your experiences. Very appropriate for what we are currently learning. This reminds me of an article I read and printed entitled "ADHD Is Fuel For Adventure." There is a school in NC called The Academy at SOAR specifically designed to mitigate the ADHD and its active educational curriculum views some ADHD characteristics as a strength. It's too bad more residential schools did not adopt this view.
Hi Dustin - your observations and experiences seem to be the perfect example that equates to Howard Dully's. Frightening and parent's tend to do what physician's recommend. As you stated, they are supposed to be the experts. However as we have learned, some have their own agenda or incentives that may not be in the best interest of the patient.
DeleteHi Dustin,
DeleteYour experience definitely shows how medications can be used to extremes. I think your point about creating a therapeutic environment is so important. If staff and caregivers are not really engaged then how can real recovery occur? And for that individual's medications to just be continually increased is an atrocity. I know there can be a great deal of burnout in this type of work and we are not always on our game, but just sedating people to remove problem behaviors is clearly not the solution.
Our society and culture has values that are at odds with the flourishing of young minds and bodies as they were designed. In our collective zeal to produce ever-more capable and competent children who achieve in the realms of academia, and what we think of as success in the "real world", we have forgotten that there is a large body of evidence that suggests children thrive on play, social interactions, and by hands-on experiences.
ReplyDeleteIn our push to keep the cogs going in the machine, as we know of no other way to be in this consumerist-capitalist-image-focused culture, we tamp down our urges to run and play as adults, too. We sit in offices, we crunch numbers, etc. We are diagnosed and diagnosed and diagnosed- with either physical and/or mental disorders.
This system requires that our children be put "some where" and that somewhere is our system of education. How else would mom and dad have time to pay bills? And though children need to be around other children, and to learn, our current system is more like a machine that assembles children based on an idea, rather than embraces what children are.
So, they are diagnosed, and diagnosed, and diagnosed. When, in my opinion, (and I have a 5 year old boy, so that might be worth something), these children need fewer screens, fewer restrictions, better food, less sugar, and more enriching community interaction.
Your point about children thriving with play, social interactions and hands on experiences is excellent. Less pressure and more nurturing time with engaged adults can make such a positive difference for kids.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I were fortunate to begin our parenting adventure 23 years ago in a therapeutic foster home. I was working at a school for children with emotional and behavioral challenges and 9 months pregnant when my husband lost his job. I gleefully went home and told my husband not to worry, “We were going to be mega-parents!”
ReplyDeleteNeither Rob nor I had been raised in families in which time had been available to children and we both felt committed to trying this experience in a very different way. Rob’s parents owned their own business and raised 5 children with limited funds and time. My parents were on the fast track with my mom managing our local emergency room on the 3 to 11 shift and my dad running a New England fire and safety business. In both of our families the kids grew up with love but very limited time. Our parents were governed by Dr. Spock and the popular concept of “Quality Time!” We were a whim to the new American ideals of have it all and children too.
Rob and I learned a concept in our parental training that resonated in both of us, “The best thing that you can give children is your time!” Our training taught us to stop everything for a child’s need or teachable lesson. I believe this concept allowed Rob and I to become the parents who our children needed and it was not easy.
It appears to me that “time” is not available to parents in our culture right now. We are do-ers and children need to fit our fast paced lifestyle or be “adapted”, “adjusted”, “fixed”. Children are being diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, and now Bipolar disorder for acting like children who are responding to fast paced life styles and lack of time and attention.
Imagine if the first recommendation for a child not sleeping was healthy diet and a full day at the beach. This prescription would require 3 home prepared meals and 2 snacks that consisted of the child’s comfort food, assortments of fruits and vegetables, in addition to the main meal items. The beach prescription must be adhered to and requires all supplies of blankets, chairs, sunscreen and toys. Everyone must get wet! I believe this family would sleep without medication after this day.
Children are on screen time for far beyond the recommended “less than 2 hours per day of combined.” Children are sacrificed for convenience and the un-healthy and expected American Lifestyle. Children are anxious when they do not know what to expect. Knowing what to expect requires consistency and structure with opportunities for new learning in a safe environment. Who has time for this?
At family gatherings, I often hear about children being evaluated for behavioral and emotional problems. These children have been in 6 apartments and with 4 parental unit changes, the children are 6years old and 4 years old. Fortunately, the parents have not had time to take them to the appointments yet!
Liz your personal story resonated with me as I also believe that giving your child time, love, patience, and understanding is the best medicine there is. It is unfortunate how technology and social media has taken our kids time from us and/or we have allowed it. I do admit to letting my youngest become a gamer of sorts and I know it has effected some of his personal skills and habits. However, he also has a strong support system at home. I also agree parents try to fix their kids with medications. Drs wanted to put one of kids on meds for "borderline ADD" and the other kid for executive functioning issues as a result of chemotherapy as a child. We said no to both, incorporated occupational therapy and a solid 504 plan, and they are both doing just fine as adults now.
DeleteHello Suzanne, I am not sure how personal our blog posts should get but as I reflect I am sure that the life and loss of my brother was paid forward with my commitment be exactly what I needed to be to raise my children.
DeleteI was so fortunate to have the education, community, and resources to pour my time and energy into my children. I was able to quit my job and open a daycare because I owned my own home in a highly valued neighborhood. People who have less opportunity do not have it this easy. My son needed speech therapy, occupational therapy, and physical therapy, so did most of my daycare children! I bought a 12 passenger van and we all were able to go to appointments and we never missed a playground along the route. As the children graduated out of therapies, my large van allowed us to add swimming lessons and gymnastics. I love the freedom of a large van!
I refused to put my son on medication because my brother had died through self-medicating. I never wanted my children to reach to a pill before everything else was attempted but I also knew that if it was not fixable then medication was an option.
It is so much easier when the community supports us in our decisions. I never had a doctor or professional not support our family decisions but I did experience community comments, "Do you ever wonder if you are doing your son a disservice by not medicating him?" and "My son used to act like yours before he started his Adhd meds." Parents have it really tough! Could I have trusted myself if the professionals had not been supported? The community micro-aggressiveness toward parents is ongoing when everyone speaks instead of listening.
Liz
DeleteYour post is excellent and articulates my own feelings on the subject of how our cultural ideals are running in conflict with our children's innate way's of being. I enjoyed reading the reflection on your own experiences as a parent. I wonder how different things would have been during Dully's time if these contemporary (though seemingly common sense) explorations into children's well-being and development had been available via the vector of the internet, or some other medium. We are not doing surgical lobotomies any more in that way, but we are doing chemical lobotomies, more or less, with psychiatric medications. It seems like we continue in main-stream culture to attempt to adjust the child or individual, and to not address the societal implications of their behavioral issues.
Thank you so much for this post, Liz. I think you are absolutely right that quality time goes a long way to growing secure, happy children. I recently spent time with my sister and niece and noticed that my sister's very busy and time-consuming work schedule takes a lot away from the two of them in terms of allowing them quality time together, and it does indeed seem to affect my niece's behavior. I love your ideas of a "quality time" prescription with healthy home-prepared shared meals and fun at the beach. It is sad to think that we may need a "prescription" to remind us of the importance of spending quality time together, but I do think that staying present and spending time with one another will go a long way to helping us become better human beings.
DeleteI just need to start out by saying how uncomfortable the lobotomy treatment details and listening to Howard Dully's story made me feel. At the moment where it was disclosed his step mother initiated this surgical procedure to deal with her inability to parent, I felt anger and sadness at the same time. He had lost his mother at the age of 5.
ReplyDeleteThe personal experience I can share in that regard is I am my two oldest children's step mom. Their mom died suddenly and my son was 6 and daughter 2. I have been their mother though for 20 years now and the word stepmother has never been used in our family. My son acted out around the same age Howard's stepmother claimed he did. My son didn't know what to do with his grief and anger at that age. Like my son, Howard was likely going through a grieving stage, which is common around puberty and other known stages in life. Love, understanding, patience and grief therapy helped us get through that stage as a family. How unfortunate for Howard to be abused this way by his stepmother because she was the one who couldn't cope.
I do not have professional experience working with families or children but I see examples that can be similar in terms of abuse, neglect, looking the other way, not knowing "how to handle" their children and not determine root causes, medicate and overmedicate kids because its easier than working with them with friends and acquaintances. Of course we hear about teens being placed into juvenile detention. My daughter in law works in one to help them get job placement and other services and says these kids had no role models or support system at home.
To me, again, love, understanding, patience, time and getting to the root of problems as opposed to medicating, ignoring, and giving up on a child is the key to helping with their issues. I know its not always the parents/family unit that is a factor and school systems need more funding and support too. However, home and even a good church are good places to start if possible.
Suzanne, I appreciate your level of sharing and I experienced sleeplessness after reading about Howard and the other atrocities done to patients and families who were looking for best practices at the time. Congratulations for creating such a beautiful family and staying on the journey when at times it must have been so tough. I hope you had support throughout your experience.
DeleteI have noticed in life experiences as well as professional experiences that family shaming is more prevalent than extending a hand in friendship. The layers of community are very complicated and messy. Perhaps it is easier to offer a callous statement than to know that the family may need our time and they may not confirm to what we deem acceptable parenting. Helping is so easy when it is part of a job duty but that is a very different situations when the boundaries are not clear and it could be messy.
This blog has convinced me that today I will reach out to the young mom in our family and take her boys to the park for a few hours. I can have fun and just do what I can when I can.
Thank you for sharing your own story Suzanne, you were able to help your stepson through a difficult time and I wish more people would should the same patience and true caring you did. After hearing Howard's story this week it feels as though there are truly apathetic parents in the world, and I hope that more parents can be more patient and caring with their children. Both of which can be hard when not only being affected by the child's behavior but the opinions of society placed upon the parents of a child that is acting out.
DeleteThank you for sharing Suzanne. I think you are absolutely right that patience, love, and understanding go a long way to helping individuals and families work through and overcome difficult times. I'm so glad you were able to provide this for your children. I'm sure this is a large part of why the word "step" is not really a part of your family's vocabulary. And I think it is important for us to be able to remind our clients and families of the simple ways that they can help one another regardless of therapeutic support.
DeleteAfter reading about lobotomies and Howard's experience as a child, I could not help but feel outraged and hurt for the people who were violated with this treatment method. I understand that it may have appeased and helped some, but I wonder at what cost - what was lost as a result of this treatment method? And the word violated is the only word that comes to mind when I think of this treatment being done on those unable to consent as a result of their young age and/or decreased mental capacity. Although I cannot imagine something this barbaric happening today, I do know that treatment is still utilized and inflicted against client will. Recently I found out that my nephew's girlfriend got on a flight with her parents in order to go on a family vacation in Mexico only to find out on their "layover" in Salt Lake City that they were not going on vacation at all, instead she would be joining a police escort on a flight to Kansas where she will be going to a therapeutic boarding school for four months. I do not know what all led to this decision (I do know that she had gotten into some trouble with drugs and alcohol and that my nephew had been trying to help her change her habits and had picked her up from some parties and shady places when she called him to do so). I can see how a therapeutic boarding school might help her with these issues, but I find it very hard to believe that deception was the best route to take in terms of getting her treatment and maintaining a trusting, caring, positive relationship between her and her parents. And I am curious to see how successful the treatment at the boarding school will be since she was forced to attend against her will. I am not sure if the parents were encouraged to use force and deception or if this was something they chose to do on their own as a result of feeling they had no other option. If I were a practitioner at the boarding school, I would have worked with the family in another way in order to ease the young lady into treatment so that she would enter into it more willingly.
ReplyDeleteAnother example in which treatment is being encouraged and utilized against client will is conversion treatment for LGBTQ individuals. Some adolescents who come out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning in highly conservative, religious communities are sent to conversion therapy camps and/or sessions in order to help them overcome their "illness" so that they can live the "right" life according to their church's principles. Conversion therapy has included such methods as lobotomies, hormonal treatments, electric shock, aversion therapy, nausea-inducing drugs paired with visual stimuli, social skills training, psychoanalytic therapy, prayer, and counseling. All of these can have long-lasting negative affects on a person's mental and emotional well-being, and some even affect the person physically (i.e. hormonal treatments). As practitioners we can educate those around us about the long-lasting damage this does to both the person as an individual as well as to the person's relationships and ability to trust others. We can also educate people on how to advocate for their own well-being and care so that are not subjected to harmful treatment methods.